definitelydope:

(by Joe Nigel Coleman)

According to ABC News, there are 50 million bald men in the United States. And now, researchers say that they are only ten years away from curing balding. They thought that bald dudes had less stem cells than Elvis or other guys who rock great heads of hair, but they were wrong!

Turns out they have the same amount of stem cells as everyone else. So now, scientists are going to find a way to wake up the stem cells with a pill that they say will be around in ten years. So, if you’re bald or going bald, don’t worry about it. In 2021, there will be a pill to get your hair back. Sweet deal, right?

DMX (Earl Simmons) said it best. And he may have predicted his inevitable future as well. The 40-year-old rapper—who retired in 2009 to become a preacher—has been placed into the Mental Health Unit of Arizona State Prison. In 2010, he turned himself in for drugs, reckless driving, and so much more. Seems like preaching life was too boring for X.

After all these years of him barking, growling, and drooling on his albums, it really didn’t come as a surprise to me. There is also an interview with X that was taped at Arizona State Prison where he talks about “upcoming TV-Show, gospel album, the message in his music, god and pink underwear.” You can check that out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuhfMSACPgU

I refuse to use Wikipedia as a source, but if you check out his page, you can read some ridiculous stuff claiming that he is a victim of the Illuminati. Apparently he “dissed” them one too many times.

Best of luck to ya, DMX. We’re rooting for you.

Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico has decided to leave Billy the Kid with the reputation that he left behind. Richardson claimed that he wanted to pardon Henry McCarty (aka Billy the Kid) because he felt that former Governor Lew Wallace (also the author of Ben-Hur?) promised the Kid a pardoning if he testified. Wallace lied.

Richardson decided that that just isn’t cool, but historians believe Wallace denied McCarty of his pardon with good reason. So Richardson has decided to let it go. He saved the world from a catastrophe (North Korea/South Korea), so I’m sure one man’s name can sit a little while longer. Although it would be cool to see a cowboy get pardoned in time for True Grit (Jeff Bridges) and Cowboys v.s. Aliens (Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig), it’s understandable that a guy who killed anywhere from 9-20 people isn’t going to get one.

In other news, here is a guy who was successfully pardoned by Florida Governor Charlie Crist this month!

Way to go, Jimmy.

Gladys and Jamie Scott of Mississippi were arrested in 1993 for allegedly committing armed robbery. They were accused of taking $11.00 and found guilty.

Now, after 16 years in prison, they may finally go free. Jamie Scott needs a kidney and her sister, Gladys, has decided to be the donor. Everyone is happy, and it will be a great end to the story.

The only thing that really got my attention: They were given two life sentences for the robbery. Life? Isn’t that a waste of our tax dollars? Do we really have to put two people away for life after they take $11.00?

But, long story short, here is the Mississippi state flag!

Catch my drift?

If you haven’t heard by now, my girl Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (MTV’s Jersey Shore) was going to drop in a ball from the MTV building in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. This has all changed.

According to ABC and TMZ, the New York Times Square Alliance claims that Snooki dropping in a ball would not be “appropriate.” This won’t change a thing, though! Snooki is still dropping in the ball in one of her favorite places: Seaside Heights, NJ.

I’m sure there will be tons of fist pumping and Spiker hair gel flying around.

I have come to accept the fact that if anyone makes a movie about WikiLeaks, it will most likely be Oliver Stone. He really can’t keep his hands off of the political stuff—even if it turns out to be extremely boring. He has to make it just to say he did it. But I’m asking him, if you turn it into a film, please let Paul Dano play Julian Assange. Dano is a great actor and they look so much alike.

Assange has signed for a book deal and everyone knows that a book eventually becomes a film. We’ll see how this plays out.

Ed Rendell recently stated that the United States has become a “nation of wusses,” and I did agree with him. Face it: older people are tough as nails. Some were around for the depression when they didn’t have a pot to piss in. If they came around later, a beating from mom or dad wasn’t out of the ordinary. Just watch Mad Men to understand that sort of thing.

Rendell’s statement was due to the fact that Mayor Michael Nutter decided to reschedule the Philadelphia Eagles v.s. Minnesota Vikings game to Tuesday night. This was a result of a snow storm that carried 45 mph winds.

I will admit that maybe we’ve gotten a bit soft over the years, but having people drive to a football game when 3-5 inches of snow fell during game time and winds were blowing at 45 mph is a bit ridiculous. Not only is it extremely hard to play under those conditions, but it just isn’t safe to have fans leaving Lincoln Financial Field to venture out onto the deadly, icy roads.

Philly fans are known for how tough and brutal they can be, but we have to face it: Ed Rendell is just a little tougher than the rest of us.

Some may call it a “witch-hunt”, but if you’ve heard anything about former Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s spending habits, you would be concerned too.

Allegedly, O’Donnell misused her campaign funds to pay her rent, which she claims was used as the “campaign headquarters.” She also said that it became her “legal residency” after her home was broken into and vandalized. After listening to her statements—most likely given to her by her lawyers—her excuses seemed somewhat reasonable.

BUT, according to CNN, O’Donnell used other campaign funds towards clothing! It has also been claimed that she used $26.00 for a meal at Ruby Tuesday’s! If that doesn’t sound like a corrupt politician, I don’t know what does.

You know, I’m sure everyone has heard this song by now. It doesn’t matter because Cee Lo Green is a lyrical genius.